Love Gone Bad: Working through Relationship Issues

By Alex Norman

In an intimate relationship of any kind – romantic, friendship, familiar – sometimes, it can feel as if the world is against you. As though some strange force is attempting to ruin your relationship and rid you of stability. Problems begin to arise; past issues you had potentially forgotten, and new issues you were avoiding. You lose control over your thoughts and feelings, as you begin to fear the worst for the future of the relationship.

The easy way to put an end to this spiralling loss of control is to end the relationship - right? Break up, block them, cut them off. Make way for the healing process, and move on.

In today’s postmodern society, our lives are characterised by instability, overwhelming choice, and fast-paced interactions. We are conditioned to believe that the moment someone stops benefitting our lives, we should drop them. Relationships have become disposable, and real, strong bonds are fading into an impossibility. The phrase ‘toxic relationship’ is being mistreated, slapped on as a label to any relationship dealing with the slightest problems. The notion of a ‘toxic relationship’ is described as “an emotionally, sometimes physically damaging relationship” according to HealthScope. Relationships are often defined as ‘toxic’, or ‘broken’, or ‘damaged’ at the first hurdle. Of course, if you find yourself in a relationship where you are being abused or harmed – physically, emotionally, financially – it is essential to put your wellbeing ahead of the relationship, by reaching out for help and distancing from the person.

Twenty-first century media appears to emphasise the dark sides of love rather than the bright sides. In every breakup song, every TV series, every film, characters cheat, lie and ruin one another. One fight, and they split up. Tabloids latch onto celebrity break ups and relationship problems. This is an unhealthy ideal to project onto audiences, many of whom may look at the relationships in their own life and question them. When issues arise, it can feel more natural to destroy the relationship instead of working through them, as that is all the media exposes us to. So – how can you work through the problems?

CHANGING AMBITIONS

Whether it be your own ambitions, or someone that you are close to, a sudden change in plans or goals can be both a lifeline and a disaster for a relationship. The line between selfishness and selflessness is blurred and subjective, but a balance between the two is a sign of a successful relationship. A clash between ambitions can result in a feeling of insecurity, as one partner questions their importance to another. It is about understanding one another’s needs; for example, if one is insecure, the other should attempt to reassure, reminding them that they are an important factor in life choices. It also is vital to be realistic; will this change break the relationship? If the answer is an undeniable ‘yes’, then it may seem better to leave the relationship prematurely to avoid future disputes or pain. However, with being realistic, consider an outcome where a change in ambition can strengthen the relationship. A change can signal growth between two people and signify the versatility of a relationship.

CHANGING WANTS

As people develop and time progresses, naturally, our wants change, especially in more long – term relationships. We evolve to need more, or something new from a relationship. If someone is unable to provide this ‘want’, there are essentially 3 options: accept, compromise, or leave. Accepting your partner’s inability to fulfil your needs can work if said needs are inessential to you. Again, it is about finding the balance between selfishness and selflessness. If you can manage without it, then question if the ‘want’ is worth putting pressure on the relationship. Compromise is great for respecting both partners’ feelings. Relationships should not be built on making sacrifices, but compromises mean you both feel heard and understood. However, for the ‘wants’ that you feel you need but your partner refuses or cannot fulfil, then it may be necessary to end the relationship. This seems extreme, but the moment where you allow your relationship to prevent you from your own happiness, it becomes a negative part of your life. Putting your most important ‘wants’ first is a step forward in being truly happy.

In this case, the judgement of how important the ‘want’ is to you is up against how important your relationship is to you. We are sometimes quick to decide that our partner cannot or will not fulfil all our needs, but love is about growing into better people, for ourselves and for one another. Other times, the ‘wants’ we believe are so important to us suddenly become unimportant when judged against a relationship in our life. Acceptance or compromise immediately appear to be a better solution.

IMBALANCED EFFORT

The rewards of a relationship come from mutual effort and respect. If a partner, friend, or family member does not put effort into the relationship, the other may feel undervalued or unwanted. If you feel this way, communicate with your partner; often, they may not be aware of these effects, and can adjust their behaviour and attitude to stabilise the relationship. A lack of respect in a relationship can cause issues in a similar sense. Again, helping your partner to become aware of their negative actions can allow them to change and grow in order to benefit you, themselves, and the relationship.

It goes without saying that if even after communicating, the negative behaviour persists, reappears, or worsens, then it is worth considering removing that person from your life. Put your needs first and accept that you have tried to fix the relationship, remembering that your wellbeing is crucial.

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It is okay if problems do arise in your relationship. The connection between two people can be tested, twisted, strained by other people, life decisions, or behaviour in the relationship. Love requires persistence, though. To decide that someone is incapable of growth and to let a relationship be destroyed by a minor difficulty is insulting to the strength of love. In these unstable times, it is the moments of vulnerability, development and communication that harden a relationship between two people, defying the negative image of love that surrounds us. Allow yourself to explore ways in which you can improve your relationship, and in doing so, improve yourself.