What is your Attatchment Style and how does it affect your Relationships?

By Sasha Andreya

Modern dating The theme of this month's issue was Love. I immediately wanted to write something about topics that aren't really talked about, attachment styles came to mind. Dating as a gen z or finding a healthy relationship in our digital age is complicated. Snap is used to “talk” and “link” and it's not as if your mcm isn't speaking to three other girls. To be honest going on a date is uncommon these days because in my opinion social media gives us too many options, there's a mentality that there's always someone better out there and loyalty has quickly become a luxury in my generation. The pattern of situationships (where you're kinda with someone but kinda not but talking, basically no labels) and short term relationships in my opinion could be linked to the fact that people simply don't know themselves. Knowing what you look for in a partner and what attachment style or love language plays a role in having healthy relationships and friendships in the long run.

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant. Attachment styles relate to how we perceive others in our lives, ability to control emotions, and they can determine what types of problems may arise in our relationships and friendships. I think that not enough people self reflect, take a survey online or watch a video and you'd be surprised as to which one you are and how it affects your relationships with the people around you. These attachments do stem from childhood, how we were raised and how our parents affected us, however I want to focus mainly on the meaning of each attachment style itself in this article and how it applies to people. Lets delve into the meaning behind a secure attachment. People with a secure attachment tend to be more satisfied in their relationships, they feel secure and close with their partner while still having a level of independence in the relationship. They are supportive and can communicate their needs.

A person with an anxious preoccupied attachment can struggle to communicate their needs directly and can become possessive or clingy if they feel unsure of their partner's feelings, often acting out based on their fears and anxieties. For example if someone takes

too long to reply or is going out to a party without you, you may feel neglected or have your fears of feeling abandoned affirmed. They may feel the need to be overly observant for signs that something is wrong, or indicators that their partner may leave, which can trigger a panic mode and the need to seek reassurance from their partner that everything is in fact ok. Which is why you may feel relieved when you get a snap back from someone after a few hours of being on delivered.

A dismissive avoidant is emotionally distant and is able to detach from people easily. Usually very independent people who can downplay the importance of relationships. They avoid closeness and intimacy which can lead to them ignoring their partners emotional needs, a distancing technique. Self sabotaging the connection with their partner. Independence always comes before intimacy and don't like to express their emotions. They don't like their partner threatening their independence and freedom and can nit pick at certain threats, for example they may start saying that they feel that their partner is making them lose focus on work or they feel held back or limited.

A fearful avoidant feels discomfort from being either too close or too distant from people. It comes from a fear of being hurt or rejected, therefore a fearful avoidant will become uncomfortable with closeness in their relationships and have trouble with long term commitment.

No one fits each attachment style perfectly, it is seen as more of a spectrum. However I think that knowing your attachment style is important because it makes us develop expectations that will affect our relationships throughout our lives. Being able to know your attachment style and the way you react to certain situations is beneficial, for example if you're an avoidant you might be less likely to go for a new job or approach someone in fear of being rejected. It's a part of knowing yourself as a person. Or if you know that you show signs of being a dismissive avoidant or anxious it's a part of self exploration to find out why and what may have caused it. Knowing your partner's attachment style can help you navigate around their sensitivities. A fearful avoidant may become distant when they are asked to participate in lots of social events whereas a securely attached person may like a lot of intimacy. An anxious avoidant might find themselves in a toxic relationship if it is with an emotionally unavailable person.

Overall attachment styles affect us in everyday life, knowing what your sensitivities are and why you are attracted to certain people and the relationships you form with them. The way others act is always a reflection of themselves as a person and what they have been through or are currently experiencing.